Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”