My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
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Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.