My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes