Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

synchronized noseblowing

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Me, in DM rooms…

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!