My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I can’t stop watching this.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Split the bill
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour