my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
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me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK