my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after
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Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I drew y’all a little something.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?