my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
all bases covered
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying