my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.