my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
