my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.