My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.