My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Seems legit
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes