My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
You Might Also Like
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.