My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
linkedin the good parts
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.