My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
✌🏽
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I identify as an antique shop.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.