My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.