My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
me when somebody idk start touching me
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: