My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Just ordered me some pizza!
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?