@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

You Might Also Like

@iLikeCatShirts

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@BunAndLeggings

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

@kashmir_lover1

According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk

@davidkenny100

It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

@KKAlThani

Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.

@SteveSuckington

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.