My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

You Might Also Like


Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.


“Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!”
CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.


Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.


Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.


According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk


It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.


Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.


[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”


I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.