My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
“I wouldn’t.”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.