My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
same but as an audience member
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
The news is so predictable nowadays
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
out-housing market appears to be strong
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.