My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end