My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
this has to be peak English
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework