“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
make up your mind
i made a craigslist ad !
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that