“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You Might Also Like
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Saturday
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
It’s a gift
