“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line