My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
when dads have a rap battle
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Risking my life for fun.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.