My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

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Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.


Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.


Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.


There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.


“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


I’m so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.


cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55


Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.