Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

*packing suitcases*

kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket

kid 2: stick

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.