Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass

waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Quadruple digit IQ

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

Me: I’m on the carnival diet.

Person: You mean the carnivore diet?

Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.