my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.