Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”

And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.