My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Just organising my finances.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.