My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
God tier horse name today on the sims
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.