My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.