My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.