My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.