My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I saw this ending much differently.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”