My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me