My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I love wikipedia
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions