Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.

Smallpox sounds so adorable

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.