My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
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i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460