My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
When libraries troll their patrons.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????