My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately