Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.