My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Sounds like a bargain
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I created you as mosquito food.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit