My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Every photo I’m tagged in
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…