My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Those are good neighbors.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
LMAO
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Aaaa…CHOO!
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.