Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Teenage Mutant African Mammals
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer