@TheSweetestD_

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

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@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

@robfee

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

@Mom_Overboard

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

@jwoodham

“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@BadMikeyBad

Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb

@bridger_w

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

@Ameiam

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.