Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.