@weinerdog4life: Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

@seamussaid: only baby boomers will get this: *pension*

@clindsaysway: FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

@ddsmidt: The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce. Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

@SeanEmeny: They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd