@TheSweetestD_
@Smooheed
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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@Smooheed
@robfee
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
@Mom_Overboard
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
@jwoodham
“How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?” Doesn’t follow instructions very well.
@Aikiwomannc
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
@TyWebb1980
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
@murrman5
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
@BadMikeyBad
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
@bridger_w
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
@Ameiam
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.