My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.


I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.


Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:


Pro Tip:
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.


I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people


The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.

HR: No.


My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.


SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR


Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.