I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says “one second,” wait more than one second before entering.
This hospital has everything
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.