@TheSweetestD_
@EndhooS Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
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@EndhooS 
@MarkusJ finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet
@stephenjmolloy Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
@Phook75 If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
@PaperWash cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
@deegeemindi My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
@GrantTanaka I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
@JulianGoldstein Teenage Mutant African Mammals
Lionardo
Giraffael
Rhinotello
Michelantelope
@_ElvishPresley_ [trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
@lisaxy424 Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer