My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”


Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.


Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together


just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio


I’m wearing a shower curtain over my head and pretending to be a ghost. I probably look legit because everybody on this bus is avoiding me.


My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.