My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
im 7 sauces long
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑