Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.