Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

What my back needs

lmao😭🤣

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”