Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

So that’s what we looked like?

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..