My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.