My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
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orange cat behavior
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
uh oh
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My blood type is coffee.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business