Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

Stop

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…