My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
You Might Also Like
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
This was a bad idea all around
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Whoa 😂
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.