Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

So inspired right now.

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*

Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

✌️

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?