My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
sliding into dms like
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
So glad we cleared that up
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.