My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My flabber has been gasted.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.