My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You Might Also Like
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.