My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
<—- homeless romantic
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured