My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
