Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

She was REALLY feeling it.

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.