My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
jesus, what did this guy do
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.