My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
You Might Also Like
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up