Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.