My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Pat is about to own someone
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.