My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline