My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The Backseat Boys
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.