Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”