Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Your word: Spelunking
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.
Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?
Her: No, sorry…
Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[day 7 of quarantine]
∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.