My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
This is what makes twitter great
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.