Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Omg 🤣

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.