Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting