My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Siri: Retweet me.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.