My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
🛁
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
