Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony