My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The smoothest fall of all time
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.